CHAPTER 11: Tree-Huggin-Hippie-Crap, Crime Families & Produce

"...So," Wally put fourth, after the waitress had given them their third round of coffees, remarked twice more about her wasted life, sniffed the air and coughed quite obviously, made a few offhand remarks about deodorant sales at Wal-Mart (to which Wally was happy to see their advertising was working) and finally handed them their check (of which, Wally was absolutely certain he'd have to pick up; being the only one who wasn't either homeless, and/or wearing freshly stolen and ergo walletless pants) "To sum up, YOU'VE been to outer space," he continued, gesturing to Ronald, "YOU, have an alien BOUNTY HUNTER after you," he snapped, pointing at Steve, "and SOMEHOW, this makes Mr. Super-Bum, no offense..."

"None taken, though my name IS Ronald, in case you'd forgotten" (Wally had)

"...To come to the conclusion, that our entire solar system is, somehow, in danger, and that we're the ONLY ONES who can save it."

"Well it sounds silly when you put it like that" Steve quipped, sipping up the remnants of his strawberry smoothie and making that immensely irritating (or immensely arousing, depending upon the species) noise that it tends to make under such circumstances.

"THAT'S BECAUSE IT *IS* SILLY!" Wally seethed, adjusting his tinfoil hat and causing many an eyebrow, that, indeed, if collectively put to the test at that exact moment, could have, with teamwork, lifted upwards of five to ten pounds (which, granted, isn't a lot, but it's a fair bit to lift with one's eyebrow), to arch in his general direction.

"will-you-keep-your-voice-down!?" Steve stage-whispered at Wally, making the universal "be-quiet" (or, again, depending on the planet, "lower-your-mandibles-so-I-can-lick-your-ovipositor") symbol.

"Well, perhaps then, Ronald, if-you'd-be-ever-so-kind," Wally spat, obviously having had his fill of the whole thing, and also, to the trained observer, obviously having wished he'd ordered his own strawberry smoothie, "You'd care to explain it, AGAIN, to those of us who think that, mayhaps, just a tich, you're full of shit." He finished, twitching as Steve slurped up, what appeared to have been, a thoroughly enjoyable liquid experience.

"It's like this," Ronald began, calmly, "The fellow chasing Steve is an intergalactic bounty hunter.  You can tell by his weaponry and..." Ronald made little circle motions with his hands to give the impression that he was making a vague statement, “... his... joi de vive.”

"Fine.  Intergalactic bounty hunter.  Why not?  Do continue."  Wally pressed, glancing sideways at a nearby table’s smoothies.  Was he the only one who hadn’t ordered one?

"Now, based on his performance thus far, he's probably not all that expensive of a bounty hunter.  As we've all seen, he's been woefully unsuccessful at capturing and/or vaporizing our friend Steve here."

"And this is where your idea spreads a little thin." Wally pointed out.

"...Which leads me to believe he's been hired by either a rather cheap, alien, crime family, which would mean Steve had somehow pissed OFF a rather cheap, alien, crime family…"

"Which I shall admit is unlikely, despite his current odor" Wally shot.

"...Or that he's been hired by a non-profit, to use a colloquialism, tree-hugging organization that can't really afford anything better."

"Ok.  And due to that leap of logic..."

"... Due to that leap of logic, it is my belief that he's been hired to save Steve and bring him back to the Eco-Saving-Corporation before the rest of his species is obliterated."

"See, now this is where you sound like a git." Wally interjected.  "If it was some alien equivalent, save-the-whales, Green Peace crap, they'd save any random handful of humans, and be on their jolly way chaining themselves up to other solar systems to stop other aliens from blowing them up for financial gain."

"This is why, however unlikely, we must come to the conclusion, that Steve has, in fact, pissed off an unerringly cheap alien crime lord and, perhaps, his whole family."

Wally paused.  "Wait!  Wasn't your point exactly opposite that just before?"

"Well yes, but if I'd started with the theory that an alien crime lord had sent a tentacled intergalactic bounty hunter after Steve for an, as of yet, unknown transgression, you would have rejected THAT, instead of arguing FOR it, now wouldn't you?" Ronald said smugly.

"So... wait, what?" Steve interrupted, having been distracted by the roundness of a passing posterior. 

"Just what, exactly, DID you do last night Steve?" Wally decided to ask.

"Oh man!  It was a blast!  I was like... ummm... hm." Steve trailed off.

"...Yes?"

"Er... ah... I don't remember."

"Nothing?"

"Not a speck."

"What about before you were drunk?"

"That was a day... or so... before."

"Or so!?"

"Er, yes."

"You don't, I suppose, recall any ALIENS at this party?"

"Er, no."

"But then, you don't recall any HUMANS at this party either."

"Other than myself?"

"Other than yourself."

"Well then, er... no."

"...Just for the record?"

"Yes?"

"Do you remember yourself being at the party?"

"Well!"

"Well?"

"… no."

"Ah."

There was a decidedly long (but not dangling, thanks to Wally's generous contributions) pause.

"I think I remember oranges... But I could be making that up."